What if my child doesn’t want to talk?

You’re not alone if you have a child facing the loss of a loved one, who doesn’t want to talk about what’s happened. Here our Senior Social Worker for Children and Families , Robyn Parker shares some guidance for parents at a loss with how to break the silence, as part of Children’s Grief Awareness week.

Why do some young people not want to talk?

• Not wanting to upset those around them.
• Finding it difficult to put things into words.
• Not feeling like there’s anything, they need to talk about.

What can help:

Lead the way, gently opening the door to your own feelings

Reassure your child that you’re ok with feeling sad.

If you are experiencing a moment of feeling upset, if it feels ok to, share this with your child. This might look like: ‘I just heard a song that really reminded me of Dad. I’m just going to make a cup of tea and have a little cry. I’m ok and would love to have a hug.’ This shows your child that you can cope with big feelings, models to them how to talk about and cope with their own difficult emotions and helps them see this is something you want to go through together as a family.

Ask them how they want to communicate

Find out the best communication method for your child by asking them. For older children, are they comfortable sending you an emoji over Whatsapp? Perhaps it’s writing notes to you in a notebook or leaving a certain object out somewhere to signal when they want to talk.

It can also be helpful to give your child really obvious permission to ask questions and share how they’re feeling. This could be by agreeing with your child how to do this. Do they want to just come to you when you they’re ready, or would they prefer you to ask them more directly?

Using aids can help

For younger children, books about feelings can be a helpful starting point, and using their toys and teddies can also be really powerful. This might look like you talking directly to their teddy, saying: ‘Teddy you’re not smiling like you normally do, what’s that? You’re feeling sad? I wonder what might be making you feel like that? Let’s have a cuddle and see if [the name of your child] has any ideas about what might make you feel better’. This is a gentle way to introduce the idea of talking about feelings with your child.

Being conscious of behaviour

For children of all ages, you might see their feelings coming out in their behaviour instead of their words, and it’s important to try and meet this with compassion and curiosity. Of course, boundaries are important, but your child feeling bad about their behaviour can just encourage them to keep more distance.

A response might look like ‘I’m feeling angry about what happened to Mum, and I’m wondering if you are too. We still need to be polite to each other, so let’s think of a way we can work through this together.’ An increase in big behaviours is especially common for young children. If you’d like any guidance on how to respond to this, please get in touch.

Closing thoughts

This is a season of life that you and your child will get through, and when it’s feeling tough, know that support from Royal Trinity Hospice is there for you all. For all children, it’s important that we allow them to go at their own pace.

Getting used to the loss of a loved one is a really big thing, and for lots of children, it can take time to even begin to make sense of, let alone talk about. Reassuring your child that it’s ok not to want to talk and that you’re there for them whenever they do, will pave the way for them to open up when they’re ready. Letting your child know who else is there for them – be that other family members or networks at school or college or a third party organisation like Winston’s Wish are all also useful avenues to try too.

Need more support?

Contact our Living Well team on email: [email protected]